choose your own katventure

start here

2006-01-18T00:01:00.000-07:00

in the three years of reading my blogs have you ever had the nagging suspicion that you could live my life better than me?
hu.
i'm not surprised.
i can respect those feelings.
in fact, i can enable them.
you are now in charge of making my choices.
good luck.

NEXT

skip, ditch, sluff... no matter what you call it, it's the same thing

2006-01-18T00:00:00.080-07:00

"cough cough... i'm sorry but there's no way i can work today. i'm sick. very sick."
excellent.
you should act or something. like, maybe do some community theater, because that performance you just gave was amazing.
you now officially have the day off.
excellent.

and you intend to take full advantage your truancy so you...

DRIVE TO LAS VEGAS
SPEND THE DAY IN THE CITY

viva

2006-01-18T00:00:00.079-07:00

you are so going to take advantage of your new life of leisure.
you get in your car and head south and by evening you're in las vegas.
the bright lights, the noise, the crowds... it's terrifying really, but you stuff yourself at a buffet (what a bargain!) and wander the strip.
as evening turns to night you start to feel at home, what with the warmth and the people yelling at you for no reason.

you decide to spend your night at...

THE CASINO
A SHOW

i'm an excellent driver

2006-01-18T00:00:00.078-07:00

you've never really gambled before and as you look around the casino you more or less lose your nerve and head back outside.
as you reach the door, you look down and see a quarter. you and pick it up and, oh, why not, you put it in the slot machine.
the slot machine starts chiming and it lights up and you're worried that you broke it or did something wrong but it turns out you won the jack pot.
you won 114 million dollars.
what are the odds?

and sure, a huge chunk of that gets taken out for taxes but you're still left with a heck of a lot of money which you...

INVEST
BLOW ON A CRAZY SHOPPING SPREE

danke schoen

2006-01-18T00:00:00.077-07:00

you call up your best friend cameron and make him come pick you up so you can spend the day in the city.
you go to a swanky restaurant and an art museum and you lip sync to a beatles song on top of a float.
and even when cameron freaks out and kicks his dad's ferrari and it goes flying out the window of his garage, it doesn't ruin your day. besides, the flying ferrari's kind of a break through for cameron and i don't mean that it broke through a very large window (although it did). i mean that emotionally cameron had a break through. it's like he finally understands what you meant when you said,

"life moves pretty fast. if you don't stop and look around once and a while, you could miss it."

THE END

today's geeks are tomorrow's... well... older geeks

2006-01-18T00:00:00.076-07:00

you have always wanted to see david copperfield in person.
in fact, you used to always watch his tv specials and get kind of freaked out when he would do that interactive thing with the tv audience where you would pick a number between 1 and 9 and times it by 7 and if it was a double digit number you would add the two digits together and then he would guess the number you ended up with and he was always right(don't worry, i won't tell anyone what a big fat geek you were)!
seriously though, how did he make that bus disappear?
when you see that he's performing live, you immediately buy tickets and i know you were a geeky david copperfan before, but watching him in person has you convinced that he has magic powers.
for one of his tricks he asks for audience participation and, like a miracle, he chooses you. you go up on stage where he blindfolds you and has you stand against a wall while he throws flaming knives at you.
it's terrifying, but strangely liberating.
after the knives you feel up to anything but it kind of catches you off guard when david copperfield puts you in a box...

and makes you disappear.

THE END

don't touch the hair!

2006-01-18T00:00:00.075-07:00

nice.
i like you so much.
in fact, i just want to say that it's been a pleasure doing this whole "choose your own katventure" thing with you because you make the best choices.

you go out and buy everything you ever wanted. clothes, cars, an airplane, and a john travolta to fly it. you travel all over and stay in swanky hotels with swanky people sucking up to you.
the money lasts about 6 months. it's a really good 6 months too.

and john travolta only gets mad at you once (after you spend an entire day trying to get him to complete the phrase "up your nose...")

THE END

dude

2006-01-18T00:00:00.074-07:00

you invest all your money in the stock market and it's amazing because everything you invest in makes crazy amounts of money and before you know it you've tripled your winnings.
the weird thing is that while your monetary life keeps getting better and better, your personal life seems somehow jinxed.
your grandfather dies.
you buy a house for your mother but then when you take her to see it she breaks her ankle.
and then the house burns down.
and cops arrest you for being a drug dealer or something like that.
so you figure the money's cursed, right? but then you remember how you used to be in an insane asylum and that one guy there used to always repeat that series of numbers over and over to the point that the numbers have always stuck with you.
"one... eight", he used to say, "one.. eight... one... eight..."
and then you remember that when you found that quarter you put it in slot machine #18.
the numbers must be cursed!
freaky, hu.
then you travel to sydney and on the way back your plane crashes.

and it more or less sucks for everyone involved.

THE END

i lava you

2006-01-18T00:00:00.073-07:00

you follow the group towards the volcano, careful to keep your distance. when the group reaches the volcano they disappear inside.
freaky.
but you've come too far to back down now. you walk up to the volcano and see a secret entrance. you go inside, making a mental note to have a secret entrance put into your apartment because man they're cool!
inside the volcano (which is actually more like a corporate office than a volcano inside. mostly due to the lack of lava, i'd say) you see your boss go into a room. you follow him and manage to stay hidden which, considering the fact that you're in a high security, secret, volcanoey lair, is earning you major stealth points. you mostly hide behind a very large ficus plant while your boss sits quietly, waiting for someone. from behind the ficus you hear the door open and close, and see your boss stand up to greet... val kilmer.
you knew it! you knew he was evil!! there was no way that val kilmer was not going to be evil.
and that's when you realize that the whole "chocolate factory" thing is nothing but a way to ship the stupid dvd versions of his stupid STUPID movies to stores like walmart where people don't intend to buy crappy movies but can't help themselves once they enter the store and get a whiff of the discount prices and go into a kind of trance where they lust after everything kirkland brand and suddenly feel that getting "at first sight" free when they buy "red planet" might be a good deal after all.
oh my gosh!
that diabolical fiend!
you can't take it anymore.

you pull out your cyanide pill and take it.

THE END

welcome to the jungle

2006-01-18T00:00:00.072-07:00

you follow the group into the jungle, getting closer to them gradually so they don't realize you haven't been there the entire time. unfortunately your boss isn't one of the group.
ah well, what can you do?
you strike up a conversation with the person next to you but immediately regret it because he's some crazy mathmatician guy with a bunch of theories and opinions and original thoughts and if there's one thing you can't stand, it's a person who's passionate about what they do.
all of a sudden you hear a loud roar and a crashing noise. the trees around you fall as a HUGE dinosaur comes towards you.
one man shouts, "hold still! it's vision is based on movement!"
you stand as still as you can but it seems like a pretty stupid and suicidal plan so you push one of the annoyingly resilient kids towards the t-rex and while it's busy eating the kid you run.
back through the jungle.
back to the plane.
and back to the baggage compartment.
you crouch there for about five minutes before you realize... you're not alone.
at first you're worried a dinosaur has gotten inside, but it turns out the mathmatician ran back to the plane as well. he starts rambling about "chaos theory" and "the laws of nature" and it's just so annoying! which is why you throw a suitcase at him and run back into the jungle.
where you live very happily.
for about 2 minutes.

until a velociraptor eats you.

THE END

i never really liked me much anyways

2006-01-18T00:00:00.071-07:00

you go visit yourself at your home.
not too shabby. i guess you've done pretty well for yourself. you must be rich. and powerful. judging from all the ostentatious art and useless knick knacks and very large entertainment system.
all your kids look just like you which you make a mental note of in case you have to come back at some point and get your kids out of a jam by pretending to be them.
as you're sitting in the living room, you walk in. you both jump and then you tell you that you're from the past and you wanted to see how you were doing and how ARE you doing anyways. you say you're fine and then you have a nice long chat and you comment on how young you look and you say thanks and you don't look too shabby either.
everything's going great until you ask yourself why you got so snobby. and then you say, "hey! what's that supposed to mean??" and you say, "nothing. you just seem really full of yourself now that you've got all the money and the prestige." and you say, "whatever. you're completely full of yourself. so if anything, i just haven't changed."
and it pretty much deteriorates from there. let's just say there's a lot of name calling.
and then, when you think it can't be going any worse, you hit yourself over the head! (you probably should've seen that coming)
you kick and throw things.
meanwhile, you do the windmill.
interesting fact: you're both hair pullers.
sadly, things get out of control and before you can stop it, you stab yourself. which is really a shame because if you die, then you'll die too.
apparently you're not that bright.

but you should've known that.

THE END

unbelievable

2006-01-18T00:00:00.070-07:00

are you kidding me?

you're supposed to choose your own adventure.

so go back and choose the ADVENTURE this time.

go BACK to look yourself up

i am serious... and don't call me shirley

2006-01-18T00:00:00.069-07:00

good. not only did you catch onto the very subtle allusions i was making to "speed", but you've also seen the movie and taken it to heart.
smart move. smart move.
you swerve off the freeway and drive around the runway until the police sneak you off the car.
after the whole ordeal the cops question you forever about the bomb guy and what's going on and you figure that the whole ordeal is not quite over.
and really, one high speed adventure (get it? high "speed" adventure?) is all a person really needs in one life time.
so when the cops aren't looking you buy a ticket to beijing, where you live happily for many years.

it really is beautiful out there this time of year.

THE END

well... jackie chan could do it

2006-01-18T00:00:00.068-07:00

looks like you're going to have to jump. you open your door and prepare to jump out before you can really think about it because if you give yourself a chance to think about it, you'll think about what the chances of surviving hurling yourself out of a speeding car are.
here's a hint.
not. good.
crap, you just thought about it.
but exploding isn't going to feel very good either so you need to jump. you need to just do it. like nike.
frantically, you look around your car and spot your basket of dirty clothes.
you set the cruise control and jam the steering wheel so that your car will go straight.
you dump out your dirty clothes and put your feet into the empty clothes basket, grab hold of the seat belt and jump out of the car.
now, this is the part of the adventure where you wish you'd learned to water ski on a semiprofessional level because you're holding onto the seat belt as tight as you can while the car drags you behind it. you manage to somehow stay upright in your dirty clothes basket.
well done.
you count to three and let go of the seatbelt. and now this is the part of the adventure where you wish you'd learned to surf on a semiprofessional level.
you gradually slow to a complete stop.
and there you are, standing inside a dirty clothes basket.
in the middle of the freeway.
as your car continues driving towards the gridlocked traffic.
and then as your car drives into the gridlocked traffic.
and explodes.

so...
maybe your "jump out of the car" plan wasn't the most altruistic thing you've ever done.
but it could be worse.
i'm not really sure how.
but there's definitely a slight chance that it somehow could've been worse.

in any case, you'd better get elsewhere.

THE END

do not attempt to grow a brain

2006-01-18T00:00:00.067-07:00

of course the freeway's the fastest route. because you can drive really fast on it. psh... obviously. some people say you drive erratically. you choose to say that you drive with purpose. you're doing just that when your phone rings. you answer it and a voice you've never heard before says, "mwahaha! i've planted a bomb on your car! and once you hit 50 mph it will be armed! mwahaha!"
"um... i passed 50 mph a long time ago." you say.
"well then it's armed! mwahaha!"
"what's up with your laugh?"
"what?"
"your laugh. your diabolical disney villain laugh?"
"sigh... look. there's a bomb on your car and once you slow down, the car will explode."
"oh... hey! why'd you do that?"
"haHA! because i will not be ignored! i gave 40 years of my life to the pcpd (provo city police department) and i was summarily dismissed with nothing but a watch to show for it and now i've used that watch as a timer for the incendiary device i attached to your car! you thought you had gotten rid of me, but you see that i've only just begun-"
"-wait. do i know you?"
"don't you remember? i planted the bomb on the elevator the other day, but you saved all the people in it and that's when i swore my revenge against you..."
"....um .... no."
"wait. is this officer jack traven?"
"no."
".... well, this is really awkward. i put my revenge, retirement watch bomb on the wrong vehicle."
"what?"
"bye."

you look up and see that there's a traffic jam up ahead. talk about bad timing, right?
maybe you can buy yourself some time by getting off the freeway and going to the airport.
on the other hand, maybe you should focus on getting out of your compact, deat vehicle asap.

you...

DRIVE TO THE AIRPORT
GET OUT OF THE CAR

back in the ussr

2006-01-18T00:00:00.066-07:00

that's right, it's time to broaden your horizons.
you've heard rumors that a certain computer company is coming out with some new games in a few months. and you want to play those games. right now.
it takes some doing, some super ingenious hackin in fact, but you finally guess the right password and get into the system and your computer asks you, "do you want to play a game?"
after scanning the list you choose "global thermonuclear war". sounds fun, right?
and it is fun. full of excitement and adventure but it's not too long until you realize that it's not a game.
you've hacked into the government's central computer and you've started a war between the u.s. and russia.
awkward.
you consider trying to undo your mistake and coming clean to the government and stopping world war 3 by challenging the computer to a game of tic tac toe...
... but it's getting late.
so you play text twist a little more and then head home, thinking you should probably start learning russian.

because it'll probably come in handy soon.

конец

i believe you have my stapler

2006-01-18T00:00:00.065-07:00

you go to work and sit down at your computer.
you don't really have anything to do so you catch up on some emailing and play "text twist".
you're really good at text twist.
like, frighteningly good.
because you've had an inordinate amount of practice.

after a few hours you...

PLAY A NEW GAME
GO HOME AND WRITE A BLOG

food won't fill that emotional void

2006-01-18T00:00:00.064-07:00

you get another sausage and egg mcmuffin.
and another.
and another.
and then a big mac because they stop serving breakfast at 10:30.
and another.
and another.
you never leave. you become the crazy person who lives at mcdonalds and can't even be kicked out because you've gained to much weight and to get rid of you would involve permits and a CRANE.
silver lining? someone becomes really famous for making a documentary about you.

because you're just that fat and gross.

THE END

table nine

2006-01-18T00:00:00.063-07:00

mmm... the sausage mcmuffin.
without the invention of the sausage mcmuffin, you might have been a hyper punctual person.
with normal cholesterol levels.

and how much fun would that be?
seriously.
people like people who make them feel better about themselves.
and you are that person to so many people.

after the sausage mcmuffin you...

ORDER ANOTHER
FINALLY GO TO WORK

new leaf

2006-01-18T00:00:00.062-07:00

after you talk to the cops and the reporters you decide that the best way to really turn things around is to start fresh, so you sell all your possesions (except for your tv) and quit your job.
you pursue your dream job... motivational speaker.
you save up your money and buy a van which you live in.

down by the river.

THE END

government cheese

2006-01-18T00:00:00.061-07:00

after you talk to the cops and the reporters, you sell all your belongings except your tv, quit your job and accept the fact that you lead a very simple, but kind of pathetic life. you have no more need for life's extravagances. you intend to focus on the things that make you happiest.
you start giving motivational speeches.
and at night you go to your new home down by the river. yep, you guessed it...

you live in a van.

THE END

i once thought i had mono for an entire year. it turned out i was just really bored

2006-01-18T00:00:00.060-07:00

hu.
that's boring.
you have super powers and you choose to go to work.
ok... i didn't really foresee having to actually make something up for this option.
um... ok... you drive to work because you have some sort of insane dedication to your job.
unfortunately, you get food poisoning from breakfast.
that's right. apparently your pancakes were chalk full of salmonella.
and unfortunately your intestinal tract is, like, your achilles heel.
and you die.
maybe, if you'd had some sort of physical activity, say... oh, i don't know... saving an entire city from the wrath of a super villain. or even trying to destroy a city as a super villain. maybe the adrenaline would've somehow saved your life.

but whatever.

THE END

sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads'!

2006-01-18T00:00:00.059-07:00

wow.
who knew that someday you'd turn to the dark side?
that's fantastic!
you're like a super villain and there are very few things cooler than that.
you work towards total world domination. or at least to start, total domination of the little town you live in. so, total domination of provo. hu. that's kind of cool, i guess. gotta start somewhere.
and who knows, maybe someday you'll acheive world domination an then you can rule with and iron fist and have people do your bidding!
OR maybe you'll become someone's arch nemesis and spend most of your energy trying to take them out.

either way, at least you've got a plan.

THE END

if i could turn back time

2006-01-18T00:00:00.058-07:00

very noble.

you run into the bank where everything is completely paused. which makes things pretty easy. you take all the guns away, and handcuff all of the bank robbers. you unfreeze time and disappear in the confusion. for the next few weeks the newspapers are full of a lot of unexplained phenomena. but as time goes on, it becomes necessary for you to create a mild mannered alter ego because you are just the most fantastic super hero ever.

THE END

the kids who fall in a vat of toxic waste, get their powers as soon as the very next day. or... they die

2006-01-18T00:00:00.057-07:00

mmm... good choice. nothing says, "look out world, here i come!... at some point... when i get up the energy" like a big, pancakey breakfast at ihop.
you pull into a parking spot and get out of your car just in time to see a semi truck swerve out of control and run into a pole. the pole, including some power lines comes crashing down on you. you jump out of the way just in time. unfortunately, you jump into a puddle of water with power lines in it.
yep. you get electrocuted.
it is not pleasant.
but by some crazy miracle you survive. not just survive, you walk into ihop completely unharmed. well, you have some major hair issues, but that's pretty much it.
so, you're enjoying your pancakes and you realize that the electrocution did something to you. besides giving you mad scientist hair, it somehow gave you the ability to pause time.
think evie in "out of this world".
this could've totally come in handy way back when you were hitting snooze.
you're sitting at your table pausing and depausing time when you start listening to the breaking news report about a bank robbery thing going on.

you ...

PAUSE TIME AND STOP THE BAD GUYS
PAUSE TIME AND JOIN THE BAD GUYS
IGNORE IT AND EAT YOUR PANCAKES

a work ethic is for cowards. and old people.

2006-01-18T00:00:00.056-07:00

maybe "hurry" is the wrong word to use.
"head for work in a leisurely fashion" is probably a better term to use.
you throw on some clothes and decide to grab some breakfast because after all it IS the most important meal of the day. right?

and you plan to experience this important meal at...

IHOP
MCDONALDS

you snooze you lose? more like, you snooze you... um... win.

2006-01-18T00:00:00.055-07:00

what is with your alarm constantly going off?
if you wanted to get up, you would. but you're tired.
so you turn off your alarm and sleep for a good, long time.
it's all for the best.
and so what? maybe you do wake up reeeeally late. what of it? you definitely feel great. and you don't look too shabby either.

the point is, there's some serious tardiness going on and there's only one thing to do about it...

CALL IN SICK TO WORK
GET TO WORK AS FAST AS YOU CAN

this post is sponsored by reeses pieces

2006-01-18T00:00:00.054-07:00

now is not the time for investigating unearthly glowing lights. in fact, you're more behind than ever because you slowed down to look at the glowyness. you speed up and pass the lights, but not five seconds pass before your car dies. it just ceases to run and drifts to a stop in the middle of the road. you try to restart it but nothing happens. you get out of your car to see if you can flag someone down to help you, but the road is deserted. heh... good call on the whole taking the side street to work. you definitely avoided rush hour.
and then you notice that the glowy light keeps getting brighter.
because it's coming towards you.
you start running in the opposite direction, as fast as you can which, let's face it, isn't very fast and "the glow" easily overtakes you.
shoot.
you freeze as you see that "the glow" is a huge, toxic, toothy, viscous, alien thing. and it's probably radioactive. hence the glowishness.
you try and think of all the things you've learned from alien movies through the years... but you don't have a cute kid with you.
or a misunderstood physicist.
or will smith.
or the force.
and frankly, you'd settle for the kid from "the last starfighter" right about now.
you realize that there's no way you're going to be able to fight this thing, so you do the next best thing. you point at it and say, "phone home!"
it stares at you, dims every so slightly.
and then zaps you with it's alien weapon thing.

because you are no 11 year old henry thomas.

THE END

crazies crazies everywhere, and not a drop to drink

2006-01-18T00:00:00.053-07:00

you drive to the police station quick as lightning and announce to them that there's an alien invasion happening in the field down by your house.
they smile very politely but seem very skeptical.
and then you kind of start to get upset when they make you talk to a psychiatrist.
and then they really freak out when you try and taser one of the lieutenants.

and basically, they have you commited.

THE END

is this heaven? no, it's iowa

2006-01-18T00:00:00.052-07:00

you refuse to run away just because there's the possibility that you might get eaten or abducted.
you walk into the field, prepared for the worst but then realize that you're in the middle of a baseball field. and there's a game going on right now. relieved, you sit down on the bleachers in between a guy who sounds just like darth vader and the guy who built the diamond in the first place because if he built it "they" would come. they both seem a bit crazy, but what can you do. there are free hotdogs, and no alien abductions so you just kind of watch the baseball game.

and by far your favorite player is ray liotta.

THE END

busted

2006-01-18T00:00:00.051-07:00

geek test!
hehehe... just kidding. this is actually a shout out to my favorite "choose your own adventure" book of all time. and i don't care what anybody says, i think that "turning your phaser to stun" should always be an option. but, back to the glowyness...
you don't have a phaser, but you do have a taser gun which is the next best thing.
you pull over and get out of your car to see what's going on. the glowing seems to be coming from the field across the street. you start towards it but worry that you might not be up to the task, even when fully armed with the taser gun.

you watch the glowing for a minute and decide to...

INVESTIGATE THE FIELD
GET SOME BACK UP

what's more important, driving well or with purpose?

2006-01-18T00:00:00.050-07:00

ok. seriously. it's time to get going.
this is the fourth time you've been late to work this week, and people might start to think you don't have the best work ethic. and at some point in your life, having a good work ethic might become important. so you decide right here and now to change your slacker ways and never look back.
it's a very empowering moment.
you throw on yesterday's clothes and walk out of your room, almost stopping to watch tv for a little bit. but then you remember the whole turning over a new, empowering leaf thing that just happened and run out to your car, determined to take the fastest route to work.

you decide the quickest way is by taking...

SIDE STREETS
THE FREEWAY

unavoidable delays

2006-01-18T00:00:00.049-07:00

who wants to deal with rush hour traffic?
not you.
you take the nice residential route. not even residential.
more like deserted. extremely deserted.
and very poorly lit. except for the glow up ahead.
that unearthly and very offputting glow.
hu.

you...

SET YOUR PHASER TO STUN
KEEP DRIVING

so much time and so little to do

2006-01-18T00:00:00.048-07:00

you wander around town looking for a store that sells old almanacs and dust busters and stuff like that but you can't really find one and then you kind of get distracted when you walk by this restaurant where the menu consists of entire meals in a pill. it reminds you of "charlie and the chocolate factory" where that one chick chews on the piece of gum and then turns into a blueberry and man, gene wilder was weird in that movie but he was completely hilarious in "the producers" and "young frankenstein".
anyways, why would people want only a pill for dinner? maybe it's faster. or maybe there are less calories. but, i mean, come on people! where do we draw the line? do we really want to prove all those soapboxy people right who are always warning us that cell phones and the south beach diet are ruining society?
gosh.
you get in your time machine and go back to 2006 and it isn't until about 3 am that you wake up and realize that you forgot to buy an almanac.
eh, well.

who needs money anyways?

THE END

my density has popped me to you

2006-01-18T00:00:00.047-07:00

you decide to see what you made of yourself. it takes you awhile to find yourself. mostly because you waste a few hours pretending to be passed out in an alley so that some cops will come and i.d. you and take you home.
really, who are we kidding? it was a stupid plan.
then you call crispin glover, because maybe he'll know. but he doesn't want anything to do with you or you quasi rip off of the movie he decided he was too good to be in the sequals of, leaving marty to play his own cowboy ancestor married to HIS MOTHER.
it probably doesn't help that the whole time you kept on insisting, "but it's your density, crispin. your density!!"
finally, you take a much more logical route and look up your parents in the phone book. then you call them and say that hi, you hit your head earlier and what's your address and phone number? and no, you're fine, you're sure the amnesia is just temporary and no, really you don't need to go to the hospital but would they mind telling you what you've been up to the last 20 years?
turns out you're married with 3 kids and you live nearby.
good to know.
you...

GO BACK TO 2006
GO VISIT YOURSELF

the day is mine!

2006-01-18T00:00:00.046-07:00

you run to your car, fasten your seatbelt and set your newly time-machined dashboard to january 18, 2026. and off you go! twenty years into the future.
it's great. you know, polluted.
and more expensive.
not as futuristic as you would've hoped.
no hover boards.
no total robot domination.
no soylent green.
but still, pretty cool.
you go see "james bond 47" (it's not completely horrible) and then wander around for a bit, not quite sure what to do until it suddenly comes to you. the reason you came to the future. the purpose of your trek across time, your gamble with fate, your tangle with the space/time continuum!!

you've got to...

LOOK YOURSELF UP
BUY AN ALMANAC

sweet dreams

2006-01-18T00:00:00.045-07:00

man! who does he think he is? you have things to do...

when you wake up, you see a post it on your computer screen. it says, "went back in time. if the libyans call, tell them i went on a business trip."
you work for a few minutes and then decide to take your lunch break, but the minute you walk out the door you realize that you don't have a car because it went back in time with doc.
you hear a noise and look up and see a van full of libyans driving towards you. before you can tell them about doc going on a business trip....

they shoot you.

THE END

weeze the juice

2006-01-18T00:00:00.044-07:00

we all have moments of brilliance. and this is yours.
you aren't someone who would take time travel lightly.
nor are you someone who would use a time machine to do something self serving.
no way. not when there have been so many travesties through out time.
one in particular whose heinousness you must do everything in your power to stop.
you arrive at the end of april 1967 and immediately track down mitzi shore. the tracking down part isn't too hard, but the convincing her to go on a month long safari? ya, it takes a lot of convincing. but see, when you really believe in something, nothing stops you. so finally, after you pay for everything and promise to watch her cat for the next month, mitzi heads off to africa.

that's right people, crisis averted!

THE END

i'm not the god... i don't think.

2006-01-18T00:00:00.043-07:00

you arrive at noon yesterday and go to your apartment.
you've never been happier in your entire life because now you can finally watch that rerun of "the cosby show" (the episode where denise comes home from africa with a husband and a raven symone) that you couldn't watch yesterday because you had to go to work!
stupid work.
this whole time machine thing is completely awesome!

the only thing cooler would be, well, tivo.

THE END

wyld stallyns

2006-01-18T00:00:00.042-07:00

you get inot your car and sure enough, it's now a time machine.
this is like some sort of miracle.
you now have the chance to witness any historical event, to see anything you want.

you think about it carefully and decide to go back to...

1967
yesterday

the end

2006-01-18T00:00:00.041-07:00

wow.
who knew my life could go that way?
i mean... i did. because i wrote this. but still... that was pretty cool.

AGAIN?
BACK TO MAIN

glass case of emotion

2006-01-18T00:00:00.040-07:00

CONGRATULATIONS! you just had my day.
... okay. that was sarcasm.
and i was laying it on pretty thick.
you should call me, like, "sarcasma: queen of all that is dry and monotone."
i gave you complete control of my life. i gave you my agency. and you acted exactly how i acted.
you could've made me a mutant superhero.
you could've turned me to a life of crime.
there's even one where i fight al roker.
but instead, each of your choices were exactly what i did today.

slacker.

THE END

unexpected

2006-01-18T00:00:00.039-07:00

you approach wil wheaton slowly because you're not really sure what to say to him.
i mean, sure, you used to watch "stng" when you were a little kid and you've seen most of the movies but honestly you always thought wesley crusher was kind of annoying, and even though you're sure that's no reflection on wil wheaton as a person because he seems nice and all, you can't think of anything else that you've seen with him in it.
i guess there's "stand by me" but who wants to be complimented on something they did twenty years ago.
you think he does improv stuff now but it's not like you've seen any of it... and then you notice something.
"wil wheaton!" you exclaim, "you're wearing the same ring with the same emblem on it that i've been wearing my whole life and which i was supposed to look for because i was told that my long lost brother would be wearing this ring and this means that you're my long lost brother!"
it's a very touching moment.
or it would be if it hadn't taken place in a seedy and possibly hepatitis ridden bar.
in any case, you've found your long lost brother wil wheaton.

which is nothing if not a happy ending.

THE END

da da da dede dum dum... see? it's not the same!

2006-01-18T00:00:00.038-07:00

you go right up to rob van winkle and shout out "yo vip! let's kick it! alright STOP collaborate and listen. ice is back with my brand new invention. somethin' grabs a hold of me tightly. flow like a hawk daily and nightly. will it ever stop? yo, i don't know. turn off the lights and glow. to the extreme i rock a mic like a vandal. light up the stage and wax a chump like a candle. DANCE..."
but you don't get a chance to finish your tribute because rob punches you in the face. and doesn't even apologize for it. so as he's walking away you run up and kick him in the kidney because who died and made him king of the world and man that would be a cool job! but you don't get to think about that much longer because he smashes a chair over your head and you black out.
in fact, you end up in a coma for five days.
which sucks.
but after you wake up, you're in the tabloids for the next month and rob gets a bit part in "surreal life 5" because of the whole ordeal.

only in america (and certain parts of europe) could you get 15 minutes of fame and interviewed by conan o'brien for getting hit over the head by vanilla ice.

THE END

hey! isn't that our fan?

2006-01-18T00:00:00.037-07:00

you can't help yourself. you have to say hi to ricky schroeder, who really shouldn't be in a bar because you heard that he's been mormon for the last 3 years, but really who are you to judge?
anyways, you go up to him and ask for his autograph. he seems pretty skeptical of having a fan, which you understand but you seriously used to watch "silver spoons" all the time and loved when alfonso ribeiro would dance like michael jackson and also in the credits when the dad would, like, ride through the house on a little mini train or something and by the time you start singing the theme song ("here we are, face to face, a couple of silver spoons...") ricky schroeder not only gives you his autograph, but offers you a job as his personal assistant which you take on the spot.
it turns out pretty well, because even though he always makes you pay for all the ricky schroeder memorabelia you collect, he's pretty cool.
plus, he still hangs out with alfonso all the time who sometimes bursts into his michael jackson dancing and also sometimes does the carlton dance from "fresh prince of bel air".

which is equally funny.

THE END

the tiger can't change his spots. no, wait, he did! good for him!

2006-01-18T00:00:00.036-07:00

no matter how much of an evil genius you may have become, you can't betray your newfound friends. they're more like family, really.
besides, being evil is no excuse for poor sportsmanship.
the bunch of you continue down the path of crime (or as you like to call it, "the path that rocks") without ever looking back.

how precious is that? this ending reminds me of that jack handy deep thought, "it's funny that pirates were always going around searching for treasure, and they never realized that the real treasure was the fond memories they were creating."

hehehe... good times.

THE END

the 8th dwarf was named "greedy"

2006-01-18T00:00:00.035-07:00

you were the mastermind behind a brilliantly elaborate scheme! you deserve this money.
and getting away from the rest of the group is a walk in the park.
you run off to europe. italy to be exact. it's beautiful and serene and you've never been happier.
eventually you join som thieves who are obsessed with gold bricks and mini coopers.

but that's another "choose your own katventure" blog for another time.

THE END

um... ok

2006-01-18T00:00:00.034-07:00

you stay true to your new crime friends.
i don't know why because you've only known them for, like, a day but there you have it.
you refuse to sell them out and get thrown in prison because of it.
but don't worry. your loyalty didn't go unnoticed and your crime league/gang/whatever breaks you out three days later so you can continue on your crime spree. however, you all agree to keep it simple from now on. no more casinos and nemesese.
from now on it's the simple life of crime you all choose to embrace.

whatever that means.

THE END

whoa! burn.

2006-01-18T00:00:00.033-07:00

man, that's harsh!
they were nothing but nice to you! they accepted you, supported your hair brained scheme, and then without hesitation you sell them out!
your crime squad!
and sure, you don't have to go to prison. but your quest for freedom has turned you into someone i don't like very much.
traitor.
you go to the witness protection program which is pretty nice. you're amish now, so you don't get to listen to music, or dance, or sleep in but you do learn how to quilt.
and there was a barn raising the other day which was almost fun.
and one day when you're hiding in your closet, watching your contraband tv you see a made for tv movie on lifetime about, well, you.

not bad.

THE END

this post will self destruct in 5 seconds...

2006-01-18T00:00:00.032-07:00

it's time to focus, to set your sights on what's really important.
you put your heads together and figure out the perfect scheme wherein you will break into cia headquarters and steal their list of the identities of ever secret agent in existence. you will then sell the list to vanessa redgrave for no less than 10 million dollars.
it's pretty complicated, what with the heat sensors and sensitivity to sound and such, but you pull it off. plus, you get to wear a disguise (and you love a good disguise) and use cool phrases like "the mount everest of hacks" and "zero body count" and "decibal". oh! and there's a moment when the shadey french guy almost drops you on the pressure sensitive floor but you keep it together.
you get the disk, arrive at the rendezvous point and get the money.
it's amazing.
you're amazing.
i don't know how you do it. that part where you dangle from the rope just inches above the ground... you must work out... and when that bead of sweat drops across your glasses and drops off and then you somehow catch it in your hand... are you double jointed? you must be.
anyways, you totally deserve the entire 10 million dollars.

that said, you...

TAKE ALL THE MONEY AND RUN
DIVIDE THE MONEY UP EQUALLY

we're in barney... barney rubble... trouble!

2006-01-18T00:00:00.031-07:00

it's time to think big, to set your sights high.
you put your heads together and figure out the perfect scheme wherein you will rob three casinos and get even with your nemesis at the same time.
it's a brilliant plan, full of twists and turns and intricate deceptions and i bet it would've worked if you had managed to get past "phase one" (or what you like to call "the easy part").
yep.
the cops take you in for questioning.

and after hours and hours of police interogation you...

SELL OUT EVERYONE ELSE
TAKE THE BLAME

the thing that wouldn't stop talking

2006-01-18T00:00:00.030-07:00

blah blah blah... he's like a howler monkey.
you do the only sensible thing. you lean over, open his car door, and kick him really hard.
i'm sure he was fine. for the sake of this storyline not getting too violent, let's say that being kicked out of a freeway speed car had no adverse effects on him. maybe he landed in a pile of leaves or something.
everyone in the car stares at you so you say, "ya... he was really loud."
everyone kind of nods.
the original plan was to rob the chevron in the next town and so on and so on, but everyone agrees that that doesn't show very much vision or motivation. you brainstorm a few ideas, and in the end you get to pick the next target of your crime spree.

you choose to break into...

NOT 1 BUT 3 CASINOS
CIA HEADQUARTERS

it's not a tumor!

2006-01-18T00:00:00.029-07:00

um... isn't it obvious that you'd be "the muscle"?
you can't even believe that people had to ask. just look at you!
...hu.
well, ok. you're thin, but you're wirey!
the next job goes off without a hitch. you even get to punch someone. because you're the muscle and that's what "the muscle" does. they punch people and do cool slow motion stunts and throw grenades!
and sure, you only got to do the first thing and you're pretty sure you broke something in your hand, but you have to start somewhere, right?
as you drive away, you're praised for the good job you did. everyone says that "muscle" should be your permanent job and they even all agree to refer to you as "the enforcer".

you can't wait for the day when you've worked your way up to grenades.

THE END

10 and 2

2006-01-18T00:00:00.028-07:00

how could you not choose to drive the get away car?
you wait for them in the parking lot, and once they run to the car, you take off.
you're like greased lightening. and if that phrase didn't automatically make you think of that one song from "grease", you'd totally make it your new alias.
you make it all the way to the desert and manage to get around those tire shredder things that cops put across the freeway to stop car chases.
the only problem is that you have to veer off the freeway to get around the cops.
and then you have to veer around a cactus, and, well, to put it bluntly...

you veer off a cliff.

THE END

the files are inside the computer?

2006-01-18T00:00:00.027-07:00

you decide to go undercover as a customer buying diet coke. because you were so good at it before.
you walk into the gas station five minutes before the rest of the group comes in. you get your diet coke and wait. sure enough, the rest of your mini crime ring come in and everything happens like it did before. except you notice the krispy kream donuts this time and figure that as long as you're a thief you should probably take a few donuts for the road because a life of crime builds up an appetite. you put your donuts in a box and go up to the counter to join the rest of team/group/pack/gang/league but they've already gone to the car.
"oh crap! hey guys, wait up!!" you run out to the parking lot just as they drive off.
unfortunately the police have just arrived and they mistake your donuts for some sort of explosive device...

and shoot you.

THE END

that's all we're saying

2006-01-18T00:00:00.026-07:00

you just want him to stop with the yelling and the weirdness, so you do the unthinkable...
... you hand him your diet coke.
and it seems to appease him.
in any case, you're now part of the team. wait. should you be calling it a team? are groups of gas station robbers called teams? hu. a pack? like a pack of robbers. or maybe you should start calling yourselves an injustice league.
nobody else has any input to give on this point. they're mostly preoccupied with the next chevron they're going to knock over on they're somewhat unvisionary crime spree.
the good news is that as the newest part of the team (maybe you should call it a gang. that seems more appropriate. although a little too early 90's east/west coast rapper warrish.) you get to choose what your role is.

you choose to be the...

UNDERCOVER/INSIDE PERSON
WHEELS
MUSCLE

i'm just jazzed about being on the show, man.

2006-01-18T00:00:00.025-07:00

because why not?
they run out to the getaway car and you follow them. well, first you leave a dollar on the counter for your diet coke, but then you follow them right out. and it isn't until you've been on the freeway for 25 minutes that they even notice you're there.
they're pretty cool about it.
for the most part.
like, the "leader" seems pretty freaky. probably because he's insecure about his ability to lead. usually behavior like that stems from insecurity. but he keeps on yelling and screaming and, even at one point, screeching. it's starting to get a little too pulp fictiony.

after 12 miles of it you finally...

GIVE A PEACE OFFERING
SNAP

look! there's a rhythmic ceremonial ritual coming up!

2006-01-18T00:00:00.024-07:00

you make some candy labels with stripes on them, and some with circles, and they're fantastic. really. i'm not just saying that. you're very very talented. and also bored. all of a sudden your eccentric neighbor runs into your office and shouts, "great scott!* i was hanging my clock* and hit my head* and got an idea for the clux fapacitor*, which is what makes time travel* possible. and i installed it in your car."
"hu." you say. but your calmness is merely a facade.

the minute doc* turns around you...

RUN TO YOUR CAR AND GO BACK IN TIME
RUN TO YOUR CAR AND GO TO THE FUTURE
PUT YOUR HEADPHONES ON AND GO BACK TO SLEEP

*this little storyline is in no way associated with robert zemeckis or anyone else in the "back to the future" empire. any resemblance to that blockbuster hit is purely coincidental. and should anyone from the "bttf" empire read this... please don't fine me.

and don't get me started on airplane food

2006-01-18T00:00:00.023-07:00

you follow your boss. you follow him all day.
you follow him around the factory.
you follow him to lunch.
you follow him to the bank.
you almost follow him into the men's room but then think better of it.

finally, after a hard day's stalking, you notice your boss sneaking out the door with a briefcase. you get in your car and follow him to the airport where he gets on a private jet (although there are a few other people getting on it too. so maybe it's a semi private jet). you sneak into the baggage compartment which, by the way is cold but not necessarily uncomfortable.
maybe even more comfortable than regular airplane seating because you have a ton of leg room.
seriously, why isn't there leg room on planes?
and then the person sitting in front of you always reclines their seat back completely and wedges you so you can't move...
you wake up when the plane lands and get out of the baggage area. you've landed on a tropical island. you don't really know your islands so you could be anywhere.
the people getting off the plane break off into two groups and you can't tell which group your boss is in. one group goes into the jungle and one heads towards a volcano.

you follow the group going...

INTO THE JUNGLE
TOWARDS THE VOLCANO

sounds like you had an epiphany. that's what i've been telling everyone!

2006-01-18T00:00:00.022-07:00

as subtley and as slowly as you can, you slink down onto the floor with the rest of the temporary gas station hostages. it's actually pretty boring. you would think it would be all tense and interesting and dramatic, but really it just reminds you of first grade when the teacher would make everyone lay on the floor for quiet time because she's about to have a melt down and corporal punishment is no longer acceptable.
the plus side is that you finally have some time for introspection. you think about your life and how it pretty much revolves around eating, sleeping, and diet coke. and for some reason, you know now that you're staring death in the face (or at least when you tell your friends about it later you'll be staring death in the face), it doesn't seem very fulfilling.
and the way you see it, you can either give in and accept your simple yet somewhat pathetic life, or you can consider this an epiphany and move on to bigger and better things.

you decide to...

ACCEPT YOUR LIFE FOR WHAT IT IS
CHANGE YOUR LIFE

mob mentality

2006-01-18T00:00:00.021-07:00

they turn around to leave and notice you for the first time.
quickly you take the lid off your diet coke and throw it in their faces. it really seems to sting their eyes and watching them writhing around makes you wonder what the diet coke's been doing to your stomach lining all this time.
ew.
and then you remember that you're kind of in the middle of something and you should probably think about the stomach lining thing later.
so you focus on the little gas station robber guys, and you kind of feel bad for them now because all the people who looked like they were taking naps on the floor are now very much awake, and very much angry, and following your lead and dumping sodas and nachos and stuff on them, and by the time the cops get there, the robber guys actually look kind of relieved.
anyways, you get to be on the news and you get a plaque too. but the coolest part of it all is that whenever you go into the chevron on your way to work, they always give you a free diet coke. which is completely awesome.

and sure, you wind up with acid reflux because of all the free soda, but it's totally worth it.

THE END

you sit on a throne of lies

2006-01-18T00:00:00.020-07:00

you have so much time before you need to be at work so you decide to get some breakfast.
because it's the most important meal of the day.
you walk into the chevron and get your diet coke. because nothing says "look out day, here i come" like 32 ounces of caffeinated joy. as you wait in line to pay for your diet coke, it occurs to you that the people in front of you are taking forever. plus, they're really loud and demanding. and then you look around and notice that everyone's laying on the floor. but they're not sleeping, they're, like, wimpering and stuff. so then you understand that the people in front of you are robbing the chevron.
and then you realize how awkward this whole situation is because you've been standing in line, but it probably looks like you're one of them to all the wimpering people on the floor. and it looks like it's getaway time.

you...

WAIT IT OUT
JOIN THEM
STOP THEM

act casual

2006-01-18T00:00:00.019-07:00

you run back inside the factory, unsure of what to do. you're not three steps inside when you run into your boss.
"what are you doing here?" he asks.
you try and play it cool, "oh nothing. just, you know, hard at work."
that immediately tips him off.
"fine!" you shout, "i heard your evil plan and i killed al roker! and i'm probably going to go call the cops now! and i think i'm in way! over my head!"
your boss shifts uncomfortably, and you realize that maybe you have some leverage in this situation.
"that's right!" you say, "i'm sure the cops would love to talk to me right now. what do you think?"
your boss thinks calling the cops would be a very bad idea. he thinks a better idea would be for you to go back to your computer, accept a big suitcase full of hush money, and pretend like nothing ever happened.

and you agree. that is a better idea.

THE END

dumb

2006-01-18T00:00:00.018-07:00

you call the cops and inform them of the great chocolate heist of 2006 which is currently taking place and they come to the factory.

but then they arrest you for, you know, killing al roker.

THE END

run

2006-01-18T00:00:00.017-07:00

there's no shame in running.
i mean, you killed al roker. and who's going to believe that you were trying to stop the beloved, early morning weatherman from carrying out some diabolical chocolate scheme that you're not really clear on.
you get in the truck and take off! who knew you had the ability to drive a big rig. you'd always hoped that you did, ever since you saw "big trouble in little china", so it's a very pleasant surprise. you actually make it into mexico (the men with the big guns at the stop points are surprisingly friendly) and to a very shifty hotel (or as they say south of the border... um... "hotel"... but they pronounce it differently) before you look at what's in the back of the truck. when you do open up the back of the truck and see what you've intercepted, you do a little happy dance.
and then take a siesta.
and then buy a really big casa.
and live very happily off of the crap in the back of the truck.
and the only reason why i don't tell you what specifically is in the back of the truck is because i want to leave it to your imagination.
it's not because i haven't really planned it out.
i, the storyteller, completely know what's in the back of the big rig.
and you know what? i'm tired of defending myself to you!
you're happy and you're rich. what more do you want??

THE END

tornado of arms... and teeth... and fingernails

2006-01-18T00:00:00.016-07:00

"you might want to put on a sweater, al roker. because things are about to get very very stormy."
al roker does not seem concerned.
but you do in fact become a storm. a hurricane of fury. and you realize that all those years of pretending to do taebo are paying off and if billy blanks were to see you, he'd probably be very proud.
the only problem is that in your eagerness to do billy proud you kind of... accidentally... kill al roker.
you don't mean to do it, but there you go. and you realize that the next decision you make had better be the right one.

so you...

RUN AWAY. FAR, FAR AWAY
CALL THE COPS
GO BACK INSIDE AND ACT LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED

suck up

2006-01-18T00:00:00.015-07:00

you say, "i'm the truck driver. i was just making sure everything was secure."
"oh", he says, "okay... let's get going then."
you climb into the truck and more or less make a fool of yourself trying to drive a big rig.
really. what exactly were you thinking? you can barely drive your little two door, automatic transmission, pontiac sunfire. but for some reason you thought you'd be able to just know how to drive a semi?
you are really not smart.
i'm just saying.
now, you know that al roker is the merciless embodiment of pure evil. but you're still hoping you can get him to trust you.
unfortunately, you didn't know that al roker has no patience for rambling, which is a real shame because you ramble when you get nervous, and the longer you go on, the more his eyes narrow. until finally he's had enough.

and he shoots you.

THE END

glittering, glowing star in the cinema firmament

2006-01-18T00:00:00.014-07:00

you crouch down so you won't be seen, and watch as the oompa loompa pulls a large crate away from the wall and disappears behind it. you run up to the crate and peer behind it to see a huge, gaping hole. well, huge to the oompa loompa. kind small to you. you crawl through the wall and gasp in amazement because you so didn't just crawl into willy wonka land. you crawled into a bar. a seedy bar. probably a very unsanitary one too. you scan the crowd for your little oompa loompa friend but give up because he's very very small and you're more preoccupied with not touching anything. because seriously, the whole place is probably covered in hepatitis.
you can't help but notice the handful of somewhat famous celebrities playing a game of poker in the corner.

you decide to approach...

RICKY SCHROEDER
ROB VAN WINKLE A.K.A. VANILLA ICE
WIL WHEATON

crazy like a fox!

2006-01-18T00:00:00.013-07:00

you hurry out to the loading area and see a semi parked next to the factory. you run up to it and open the back to see what the shipment is when you hear a familiar voice behind you, "and what do you think you're doing?"
you turn around and realize that the familiar voice from the office was coming from a one al roker.
his eyes narrow, "i asked you a question."

i guess you're going to have to...

FIGHT HIM
BEFRIEND HIM

snitch

2006-01-18T00:00:00.012-07:00

you're not sure what's going on exactly, but you don't really care to find out.
you rush back to your office and dial the police department. "hello? hello?? police??? there's something amiss here at the chocolate facto..." in your eagerness you'd forgotten to keep it quiet. realizing that you might have heard "the plan", your boss runs out of the office...

and shoots you.

THE END

is this some kind of evil plot to teach me a lesson?

2006-01-18T00:00:00.011-07:00

you crawl over to the office and press your ear against the door. focusing as you've never focused before, you strain to make out the voices. you recognize one as your boss, but the other, although familiar, you can't place. you hear your boss say, "listen. is the shipment ready or not?"
the mystery person replies, "it's ready to go. we're just waiting on the truck driver."
"this shipment has to be perfect."
"don't worry boss. there aren't going to be any problems."
"oh, i'm not worried. because the boss will make any of tonight's problems, your problems."
"i globe wittle ship in my shelf"(although, it might have been "i'll go with the shipment myself". you can't be expected to pay attention all the time. besides, doors are hard to eavesdrop through.)
"make sure you do. i have the meeting to go to."

enough with the eavesdropping already! you...

CALL THE COPS
SNEAK ONTO THE TRUCK
FOLLOW YOUR BOSS

have you ever heard of plato? aristotle? socrates?... morons

2006-01-18T00:00:00.010-07:00

you stare at mark linn-baker in amazement as you feel your mind expand. e=mc^2... two trains leave delaware travelling at the same speed... vh1 isn't a factual source...
and then it hits you... all you're untouched potential. all the time you squandered by watching plothole filled made for tv movies, laughing at the jokes in readers digest, calculating the calories in a combo meal from taco bell... watching "touched by an angel". and your newly superior brain aches under the weight of all your unwritten symphonies, unpainted masterpieces, unread pretentious russian novels... and just when you think you can't take it anymore...

your head explodes.

THE END

really really really ridiculously good looking

2006-01-18T00:00:00.009-07:00

you drop the oompa loompa and rush to a mirror, excited to see how ridiculously good looking you've become but your smile vanishes when you're greeted by the same reflection you've seen for the last 24 years. you turn to the oompa loompa, "mark linn-baker, you lied to me!"
he looks up at you earnestly and says, "don't you see? your beauty was always there. you just never saw it."
"what?" you say as you turn back to your reflection.
"all the things in your life, your friends, your job, your college degree... you didn't think you earned them, did you? or maybe you thought you had a great personality! hehehe... why, you'd be a friendless vagrant if it weren't for your outward appearance."
suddenly the full meaning of his words dawn on you, "gasp! you're right! i've been so blind."
mark linn-baker turns to you and says, "you're going to be alright, kid. you're going to be alright."

and you are.

THE END

the best things in life are free but you can give them to the birds and bees

2006-01-18T00:00:00.008-07:00

instantly mark linn-baker vanishes and you wonder how he could rip you off like that after all you've done for him. you decide to get a consolatory snack from the vending machine. you reach into your back pocket and pull out a twenty dollar bill. you LOVE it when that happens! you check your other back pocket, you know, just in case, and pull out another twenty. awesome. you're on a roll. and that's when you realize that mark linn-baker kept his word and you have an endless supply of 20's in your back pockets. you run into your bosses office, slam a twenty his desk and say, "you can stick that where the sun don't shine!" he stares at you, "come again?"
exasperated, you explain, "because of mark linn-baker i now have an endless supply of twenty dollar bills in my back pocket."
"hu."
"so i'm quitting. you know, because of the endless supply of cash. but i was wondering if you could give me change for a twenty. cuz i think the vending machine only takes coins."
you get your change.
and a celebratory snack.
and you go home and take a nap...

but then you buy an island, build a huge mansion in the trees like swiss family robinson except much swankier, and send mark linn-baker a card every christmas.
you'd totally put money in the card, but he'd probably just spend it on booze.

you know how those oompa loompas are.

THE END

don't be ridi-cool-us

2006-01-18T00:00:00.007-07:00

your natural curiosity wins out over any fear or revulsion you feel. you sneak towards the little oompa loompa, slowly and patiently. it turns around, sees you and starts to run but it's too late. you catch the little guy and laugh in delight at your new little pet. "this is better than a goldfish" you say, and start thinking up names. right when you're about to pronounce him mark linn-baker he looks up and says, "please let me go."
"what was that, mark linn-baker?" you ask.
he repeats, "please let me go."
you explain, "but i caught you. and now you're mine. and i'll take really good care of you."
"if you let me go, i'll grant you a wish."
"can you do that?"
"of course."
"mark linn-baker, you've got yourself a deal!"

without hesitation you wish for...

MONEY
GOOD LOOKS
BRAINS

we can't all have backbones

2006-01-18T00:00:00.006-07:00

immediately your reflexes take effect. you throw your spoon at it and start running as fast as you can.
like a pansy.
unfortunately, in your blind panic you forget that chocolate factories usually have slippery kitchen floors because stuff like vegetable oil sometimes gets spilled on the floor. you slip, fall, and stare at the ceiling in stunned silence.
the oompa loompa runs over to you, stares at you for a second...

and eats you.

THE END

but that is called cannibalism, my dear children, and is in fact frowned upon in most societies

2006-01-18T00:00:00.005-07:00

there's an order for truffles that needs to get sent out ASAP. and maybe being on your feet will wake you up.
you put on your hair net and plastic gloves and wander to the back of the factory where you start making truffles.
out of the corner of your eye you see a movement.
something is trying to sneak out of the room.
something very small, very fast, and very orange?
what the... it's an oompa loompa!

you...

RUN AWAY, SCREAMING. LIKE A LITTLE GIRL
CATCH IT
FOLLOW IT

they're not connected to anything, but at least when i wear them people leave me alone

2006-01-18T00:00:00.004-07:00

you don't have time for office drama today.
you put on your headphones and stare at your computer...
... and wake up forty-five minutes later.
ok. you fully realize that at some point you need to get some sort of work done. it doesn't matter what, really. but something. for the sake of your ever dimming sanity you need to do something.

so, you...

START DESIGNING CANDY LABELS
GO IN THE BACK AND MAKE CANDY

a penchant for pain

2006-01-18T00:00:00.003-07:00

you saunter into work and sit down at your desk, assuming that you're the only one in the office because seriously who comes into work this early?
crazy over acheivers, that's who.
you quickly realize that you're not alone because you hear muffled voices coming from your boss' office.
muffled, but angry. it sounds like an argument.

you...

GO LISTEN AT THE OFFICE DOOR
PUT ON YOUR HEADPHONES

night, night. sleep tight. don't let the bedbugs paralyze

2006-01-18T00:00:00.002-07:00

you're in the middle of a dream where you've entered an all-you-can-eat pastry contest, when your alarm goes off again.

you...

GET UP
UNPLUG THE ALARM AND GO BACK TO BED

far fetched

2006-01-18T00:00:00.001-07:00

you roll out of bed and sit in the middle of your room.
you haven't woken up this early in years. in fact, you haven't woken up this early in ever. basking in your newfound will power, you think about working out. and that thought is the most rewarding moment of your life.
you shower, throw on some clothes and look at the clock. it's 7:45.
that's amazing!

now you can...

GO TO WORK EARLY
GET BREAKFAST

this is not the greatest blog in the world, this is only a tribute

2006-01-18T00:00:00.000-07:00

it's 7am and your alarm goes off.

you...

WAKE UP
HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON